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Post by Connie on Mar 3, 2006 19:00:33 GMT -5
Too cute
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Post by jan on Mar 13, 2006 14:50:43 GMT -5
"More Blonde Jokes" How Can You Tell*** Amy, a blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy: "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him: "This is the one..... right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on......" --------------------------------------------------------------------- FLUID LEAK***
A blonde said, “I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid.” ---------------------------------------------------------------------
OVERWEIGHT BLONDE***
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from all that skipping." --------------------------------------------------------------------
RIVER WALK***
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side." --------------------------------------------------------------------
OVEREXPOSED***
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------
KNITTING***
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'A SCARF!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------
BLONDE ON THE SUN***
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian..
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------
SPEEDING TICKET***
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you!" --------------------------------------------------------------------
THE VACUUM***
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science &Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vacuum turned on or off?" --------------------------------------------------------------------
FINAL EXAM***
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
She replied, "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers." --------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!***
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note;
"I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde"
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note..."Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Post by Connie on Mar 14, 2006 18:16:11 GMT -5
LOL.. I love the last one! Also the one where the cop asks to see her license... too funny!
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Post by jan on Mar 18, 2006 11:19:06 GMT -5
THE TALE OF THE BLONDE HORSEBACK RIDER
A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding,even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway! The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over. As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Frank,the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
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Post by Connie on Mar 20, 2006 11:27:16 GMT -5
LOL.. I will have to send that one to my mom!
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Post by jan on Apr 11, 2006 10:57:53 GMT -5
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote Sagittarius."
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around & went home.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
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Post by jan on Aug 12, 2006 14:52:08 GMT -5
Curtains? ??" A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches." "Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need curtains!" The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Can you tell when a blonde has used the computer? There's white-out all over the screen.
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