|
Post by Connie on Oct 28, 2005 18:48:50 GMT -5
Okay, so Im a blonde joke addict. These are not meant to offend anyone but I have a sister who is blonde so I know they can offend blondes A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me." Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?" Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car." Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?" Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet." Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?" Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
|
|
|
Post by Connie on Oct 28, 2005 18:49:17 GMT -5
A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.
For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough, and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool, and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Amazed, the blonde wasn't quite sure what to do, as this certainly wasn't covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly -- tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again, "There are no fish under the ice!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked "Is that you Lord?"
The voice boomed back, "No, this is the manager of the skating rink!"
|
|
|
Post by Connie on Oct 28, 2005 18:49:35 GMT -5
Two blondes were out shopping, upon return to their vehicle the one that was driving sees the keys in the ignition. she turns to her friend and says, "oh no! we locked the keys in!" the other replies, "Well whatever you do, just hurry up! It's starting to rain, and the top is down!"
|
|
|
Post by Connie on Oct 28, 2005 18:49:53 GMT -5
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
|
|
|
Post by Connie on Oct 28, 2005 18:50:24 GMT -5
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench one evening, looking at the moon and talking.
One blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther ........
Florida or the moon"?
The other blonde rolls her eyes, turns and says, "Helloooooooooooooooooooo,
Can you see Florida from here?"...
|
|
|
Post by Connie on Oct 28, 2005 18:52:01 GMT -5
A blonde is driving along of the freeway when she goes around an 18-wheeler and cuts the driver off. The man driving the truck gets very angry and signals the blond to pull over.
The man gets out of the truck in a fit of rage and begins to yell at the blonde. The man then takes out a piece of chalk from his truck and draws a circle on the side of the road and orders the blonde to step into the circle and not to step out.
The man then walks over to the blonde's car and takes out a pocket knife and slits the blonde's tires. He turns around and she is smiling. With a bit of confusion he continues on.
The man then breaks her windows with a small hammer he pulls out of his truck. When he turns to the blonde she is smiling very big and giggling. The man gets a bit confused and continues work on the blonde's car.
The man then crawls into the blonde's car, takes out hit pocket knife, and slits her leather seats. When he turns around to the blond onces again she is laughing. The man then got pretty angry, went into the back of his truck, came out with a few gallons of gasoline, poured it on the blonde's car, and the proceeded to light her car on fire.
When the man turned around once again, the blonde was laughing uncontrollably.
The man turns to her and says "Okay, what the heck? I have slit your tires, broke your windows, slit your seats, and lit your car on fire! Why the heck are you not angry?!"
The blonde, after easing her laughter, replies "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle four times." __________________
|
|
|
Post by Connie on Oct 28, 2005 18:52:29 GMT -5
A blonde girl was working on a puzzle and was getting very frustrated. Her father asked her what the problem was and what the puzzle was. She said, well it's a rooster, but I can't get it figured out.
Her father said, well let's take a break and go eat lunch. When we get back, we'll put all the corn flakes back in the box!
|
|
|
Post by Connie on Oct 28, 2005 18:53:09 GMT -5
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" I said, "Great; tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more.
"I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, (You're going to love this!)
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal*Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
|
|
|
Post by Connie on Oct 28, 2005 18:53:49 GMT -5
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.
Brandi again prays, "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well!" But lottery night again comes and goes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again Brandi prays. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I ! have always been a good servant to you. Please let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order!"
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open up and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself.
God says, "Brandi, meet me halfway on this. Please buy a ticket."
|
|
|
Post by Connie on Oct 28, 2005 18:55:08 GMT -5
A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED, SWEATING AND PANTING.
"WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS . "I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN.
HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON!"
THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR.
"YOU ROTTEN SOB ," SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!"
|
|
|
Post by Connie on Oct 28, 2005 18:56:01 GMT -5
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all! those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus
|
|
|
Post by jan on Oct 31, 2005 19:32:31 GMT -5
Did you hear the one about the moron who stayed up all night studying for his urine test?
|
|
|
Post by Connie on Nov 1, 2005 9:35:50 GMT -5
LOL.. that one took me a minute. Funny!
|
|
|
Post by josiegirl on Nov 5, 2005 22:48:01 GMT -5
I have a dumb one my son told me: what is food before it becomes food?
baby food !
he has a whole book full of dumb jokes so yall watch out!
|
|
|
Post by josiegirl on Nov 6, 2005 14:43:06 GMT -5
actually I have a blonde joke. But I got it from eBay so it might be popular, I don't know? Also, I'm pretty bad with telling jokes but I'll give it a shot. ahem
A blonde goes to the doctor and tells him that her whole body hurts where ever she touches it. He's amazed (of course) and says 'show me'. So the blonde touches her arm and screams in agony. Then she pokes her leg and screams again. Then she presses on her foot and screams uncontrollably. So the doctor has seen enough and stops her and says something like 'Ma'am, there's nothing wrong with your body' and the blonde says 'well why does it hurt everytime I touch it?' and the doctor says 'You have a broken finger'.
That's like the only joke I know so please don't throw a tomato at me.
|
|