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Jokes
Mar 20, 2006 11:31:17 GMT -5
Post by Connie on Mar 20, 2006 11:31:17 GMT -5
Very Funny!
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Jokes
Apr 8, 2006 11:22:10 GMT -5
Post by jan on Apr 8, 2006 11:22:10 GMT -5
A father put his two year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless Mommy, "God bless Daddy, "God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the Grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad her her say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life!"
She said, "You think YOU had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.
This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch!"
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Jokes
Apr 11, 2006 11:00:57 GMT -5
Post by jan on Apr 11, 2006 11:00:57 GMT -5
**borrowed** www.pcincome.net/whatswrong/Check this out, study this picture and see if you can figure out what's wrong. Make sure you have the sound turned up on your computer. You'll never guess what's wrong with this picture, until you study it.
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Jokes
Apr 11, 2006 11:12:45 GMT -5
Post by Connie on Apr 11, 2006 11:12:45 GMT -5
LOL.. Katie was NOT impressed..oops
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Jokes
Apr 17, 2006 8:35:45 GMT -5
Post by jan on Apr 17, 2006 8:35:45 GMT -5
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Jokes
Apr 21, 2006 11:20:09 GMT -5
Post by Connie on Apr 21, 2006 11:20:09 GMT -5
I love it! I should make that my start page..
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Jokes
May 28, 2006 11:27:09 GMT -5
Post by jan on May 28, 2006 11:27:09 GMT -5
A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the North Woods of Canada, both liked to hunt. They were hunting for deer when all of a sudden a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected, neither of them had a chance to fire. The Scotsman was shaken. "Hoot mon, wit in blazes was that?!" "That was a moose," the Canadian replied. "What are ye saying, lad? A moose? Good Lord, I'd hate to see yer rats!"
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Jokes
May 28, 2006 11:30:16 GMT -5
Post by jan on May 28, 2006 11:30:16 GMT -5
Beer Warning"
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they woul d never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men ! often aw aken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often wit h just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage. " Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
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Jokes
May 28, 2006 11:33:17 GMT -5
Post by jan on May 28, 2006 11:33:17 GMT -5
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Church Ladies
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."
"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."
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Jokes
May 28, 2006 11:40:28 GMT -5
Post by jan on May 28, 2006 11:40:28 GMT -5
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"
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Jokes
May 28, 2006 11:46:33 GMT -5
Post by jan on May 28, 2006 11:46:33 GMT -5
A lot of folks can't understand how we come to have an oil shortage in our country. ~~~ Well there is a simple answer. ~~~ Nobody bothered to check the oil. ~~~ We just didn't know we were getting low. ~~~ The reason for that is purely geographical. ~~~ Our oil is located in ~~~ Alaska ~~~ California ~~~ Oklahoma ~~~ Texas ~~~ Utah and Wyoming ~~~ Our DIPSTICKS are located in WASHINGTON D. C.
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Jokes
May 28, 2006 11:50:05 GMT -5
Post by jan on May 28, 2006 11:50:05 GMT -5
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."
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Jokes
May 28, 2006 11:51:32 GMT -5
Post by jan on May 28, 2006 11:51:32 GMT -5
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back"
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper
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Jokes
May 28, 2006 11:55:39 GMT -5
Post by jan on May 28, 2006 11:55:39 GMT -5
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, wish you weren't married, or glad you never married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine: Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
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Jokes
May 28, 2006 12:21:47 GMT -5
Post by jan on May 28, 2006 12:21:47 GMT -5
"giggles for the day" FURIOUS WIFE A wife was furious with her husband, saying, "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second." "Why would I come in second?" the husband asked. She replied, "Because you're an idiot!"
PREPARE FOR BATTLE A captain of his ship was sailing the seas one afternoon, when suddenly over the horizon a pirate ship was seen. The captain yells, "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my red jacket." The battle ended victoriously and they continued on in their voyage. Later, they again spotted pirates, this time two ships were a approaching. "Men, we must go to battle again! Someone get me my red jacket!" A crewmember brought the jacket and the captain put it on. After a fierce war, the pirates were defeated. Noticing a trend, one of the ship's crew members asks the captain, "Why is it every time we go to war with another ship, you request your red jacket?" The captain replies, "Well, if for some reason I should be injured and bleed, the red jacket will not show my wounds and thus the crew will not be alarmed and worried about my condition." The crewmember agrees this is a good strategy and continues with his work. Later that day, a massive fleet of pirate ships, ten in all, comes over the horizon. The nervous crew looks up at the captain and he yells, "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my brown pants!"
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