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Jokes
Dec 6, 2005 10:28:26 GMT -5
Post by jan on Dec 6, 2005 10:28:26 GMT -5
My mother taught me about FEAR. "One day you'll have a child who'll do the same things to you!!)
Inexpensive Entertainment:During rush hour,sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. ;D
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Jokes
Dec 11, 2005 21:08:37 GMT -5
Post by Connie on Dec 11, 2005 21:08:37 GMT -5
I threaten Kirstin with that one ALL the time! #laughing-smiley-003#
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Jokes
Dec 20, 2005 16:38:32 GMT -5
Post by tiredofscams on Dec 20, 2005 16:38:32 GMT -5
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.
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Jokes
Dec 25, 2005 11:30:07 GMT -5
Post by gamer78 on Dec 25, 2005 11:30:07 GMT -5
Can I use some of your jokes on my website people
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Jokes
Dec 26, 2005 14:37:29 GMT -5
Post by Connie on Dec 26, 2005 14:37:29 GMT -5
I don't think jokes are copywrited gamer but it was really nice of you to ask first!
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Jokes
Dec 28, 2005 8:50:37 GMT -5
Post by jan on Dec 28, 2005 8:50:37 GMT -5
My jokes aren't all that great,but anyone's welcome to use them if they want.
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Jokes
Dec 29, 2005 20:44:07 GMT -5
Post by tiredofscams on Dec 29, 2005 20:44:07 GMT -5
Mine aren't copywrited please help yourself!
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Jokes
Jan 5, 2006 21:56:22 GMT -5
Post by josiegirl on Jan 5, 2006 21:56:22 GMT -5
Mine are copywrited.
You know you live in 2005 when.... (yeah, I'm late)
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "1" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
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Jokes
Jan 15, 2006 13:14:21 GMT -5
Post by josiegirl on Jan 15, 2006 13:14:21 GMT -5
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"
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Jokes
Jan 15, 2006 13:16:23 GMT -5
Post by josiegirl on Jan 15, 2006 13:16:23 GMT -5
One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "
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Jokes
Jan 15, 2006 13:20:15 GMT -5
Post by josiegirl on Jan 15, 2006 13:20:15 GMT -5
Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
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Jokes
Jan 15, 2006 13:22:31 GMT -5
Post by josiegirl on Jan 15, 2006 13:22:31 GMT -5
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
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Jokes
Jan 15, 2006 13:24:17 GMT -5
Post by josiegirl on Jan 15, 2006 13:24:17 GMT -5
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
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Jokes
Jan 15, 2006 13:28:28 GMT -5
Post by josiegirl on Jan 15, 2006 13:28:28 GMT -5
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce".
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Jokes
Jan 15, 2006 13:30:44 GMT -5
Post by josiegirl on Jan 15, 2006 13:30:44 GMT -5
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
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