Post by CaptainCassie on Aug 30, 2009 19:01:05 GMT -5
(I moved this here, because I'm not really sure how many people look where I had posted it before. If that's not alright, feel free to move it.)
I'm trying to think ahead to figure out how to say what I want to say and not sound childish, but I just don't think it's going to happen. I need some advice on some personal problems that I've been having. Here goes...
I have major jealousy and trust issues. I know that I do, I openly admit that I do, and some days it's no big deal, but others, I feel like it's going to tear my relationship apart. I could go into the gruesome details of why I think I have them, but I'll try to keep it short. Growing up, I didn't date a lot. In middle school, you know, when everyone was starting to date and develop and all that, I had a best friend who was a year ahead of me. We were both early bloomers, but I was in a tomboy phase, while she flaunted it everywhere. Guys would act interested in me to get to her. It hurt, a lot, but I felt I couldn't get out of it. My first boyfriend was her ex, whom she slept with at the ripe old age of 15. I knew it wasn't smart, and we broke up, but after that, Kimi and I flew into a whirlwind of trying to act older than we were, kissing on high school boys and all that. I hated it, HATED it, but didn't really think I could do any better. My 8th grade year, when she moved on to high school, I found out who my real friends were- and there weren't many of them. I moved away that summer, and started high school on the opposite side of the country. I met a guy at church, and the Christmas of my freshman year we started dating. He was PERFECT. But then... I found out he really wasn't. He started pushing me to go farther and farther, until we did the deed because I felt like I didn't have a choice. I told him no, over and over again, but just didn't have the courage to physically stop him. I was strong, but he was bigger and stronger. We were together 2 years after that. I didn't love him, but he constantly told me that I wasn't pretty enough for someone else, no one else would want me- things like that. He cheated on me constantly, spent all his free time looking at porn, and abused me. Finally, he went away to college. My best friend at the time, his girlfriend had just broken up with him when she moved away. He and I were very close, and I loved him as my best friend- nothing more. When I still couldn't build up the courage to beark up with my boyfriend, even though he was hours away, my 'best friend' guilted me into hooking up with him so I could have a 'real' reason to break up with my boyfriend. Well, it worked, but my best friend turned into a monster, and it all started over again. He was head over heels in love with me, and I wasn't with him. He and I sat down and had a long chat about it, and he decided that he was ok with just being friends. We were still very close, and did just about everything together. (Skip ahead a year or two) But, I met a guy at work, and he asked if I wanted to hang out. Robert (my best friend) and I worked together, and so this guy knew us both. The three of us started hanging out, then one night I got a call from the other guy asking if I wanted to hang out. I had told Robert earlier that I was just going to stay in for the night, but since I was invited out, I went to a movie with Larry (the other guy). Halfway into the movie, Robert bursts into the theater and drags me out, demanding to know why I didn't call him and tell him I was going out. We got into a huge fight, and I left. He called the next day, crying and apologizing and saying he wasn't sure what got into him. Well, the kind hearted I am, told him it was fine, but he needed to remember that he wasn't my boyfriend. Things just got worse after that, though. We always fought, he lied to me about everything, demanded to know where I was at all times, when he was lying to me constantly about the same stuff. Like, he was in college, and told me he was in class, but he was at the arcade or at home watched rented pornos. He brought me down, ripped me down, told me I was nothing, no good, ugly... on and on and on. Well, I left California and moved to South Carolina. By this time, I was just fed up with men. There are a lot more incidents with various guys in my life, but none as bad as those two. But, everything I went through left me bitter, closed off, and scared. I hated guys who looked at porn, I hated guys who lied, I hated guys who looked at women like they were meat. I just hated everyone. I got a job, was content, but only had like one friend in the area. Well, he was in love with me, but he was married (though separated, but I wasn't comfortable with that). We became good friends though, and he introduced me to Jay (my fiance). Some of you know that Jay and I have had a lot of problems since we met. Even after we started dating, he was still looking at a lot of porn, talking to girls online about sex, RPing sex in his RPs with girls, lying to me... I caught him, numerous times. He always put his two "best friends" (girls he met through an online test based RPG, the same girls he was RPing sex with, the same girls who wanted him BADLY), and would cancel plans to stay online to talk with them. But, there was just something that kept drawing me to him. One day, he told me that he loved me, and things changed. He stopped looking at porn, cut the sex out of his RPs, but still put these two girls before me. I didn't complain though, because they were supposedly his best friends, and I would never say he had to ditch his friends for me. Well, to date today, we have fought physically, we have screamed and yelled, we've broken up, he kicked me out, he started looking at porn again and tried to date, he started lying to me, he brought me back home, he stopped looking at porn, he didn't date, he stopped lying to me about the important things, and we eventually got back together. Things were still shaky after that, but then he asked me to marry him. I said yes, of course. Through all the s**t we went through, I never stopped loving him. We sat down that night, and had a very serious talk. I asked him if he felt he could be truthful with me. I have a need to know that I'm not being lied to. He said he didn't see the point in lying to me anymore. It's just harder in the end. We talked about the future, and everything. Since then, we've had a few little spats, but nothing serious. He hasn't lied to me, cheating on me, hurt me, any of that. But, for some reason, I just CANNOT fully trust him. I don't know if it's the fact that since he lost his job at Loomis in July of last year, we have done EVERYTHING together. We have hardly been apart because of our circumstances. Now, if we ever are, even for a short while, I find myself worrying what he's doing, where he's going online, who he's looking out wherever he is, what he's talking about. I don't feel like I'm good enough for him, pretty enough for him, sexy enough for him. We are both really stressed out right now, and it doesn't even feel like we're dating, or in love. I hate feeling like this, and I just don't know what to do to make it better. I know that my jealousy and trust issues are a problem. He knows I have them, and knows I'm trying to work on them. But, I mean, he could be upstairs and I'll be in the kitchen, and I'll be thinking about what he's doing. If he takes too long in the shower, it bothers me. It drives me FREAKING INSANE. It's like I can't tell my brain to shut up. I know he loves me, I really do. But with the lull in our relationship, it makes it all seem so much worse. Like I'm scared that he's bored with me, so he's going to be looking elsewhere. And it kills me. I'm so lost. I love him so much, and love that he accepts that I have some issues I am trying to work through. But I fear my worries and trust issues are starting to take their toll on out relationship. I don't want to lose him because of my own insecurities.
Have any of you ever had problems like these? Any advice? And as always, prayers are always welcome that I can get over these issues.
BTW- I love you all. Just wanted you to know. You are all fantastic people, and I'm so glad to have found this place.
I'm trying to think ahead to figure out how to say what I want to say and not sound childish, but I just don't think it's going to happen. I need some advice on some personal problems that I've been having. Here goes...
I have major jealousy and trust issues. I know that I do, I openly admit that I do, and some days it's no big deal, but others, I feel like it's going to tear my relationship apart. I could go into the gruesome details of why I think I have them, but I'll try to keep it short. Growing up, I didn't date a lot. In middle school, you know, when everyone was starting to date and develop and all that, I had a best friend who was a year ahead of me. We were both early bloomers, but I was in a tomboy phase, while she flaunted it everywhere. Guys would act interested in me to get to her. It hurt, a lot, but I felt I couldn't get out of it. My first boyfriend was her ex, whom she slept with at the ripe old age of 15. I knew it wasn't smart, and we broke up, but after that, Kimi and I flew into a whirlwind of trying to act older than we were, kissing on high school boys and all that. I hated it, HATED it, but didn't really think I could do any better. My 8th grade year, when she moved on to high school, I found out who my real friends were- and there weren't many of them. I moved away that summer, and started high school on the opposite side of the country. I met a guy at church, and the Christmas of my freshman year we started dating. He was PERFECT. But then... I found out he really wasn't. He started pushing me to go farther and farther, until we did the deed because I felt like I didn't have a choice. I told him no, over and over again, but just didn't have the courage to physically stop him. I was strong, but he was bigger and stronger. We were together 2 years after that. I didn't love him, but he constantly told me that I wasn't pretty enough for someone else, no one else would want me- things like that. He cheated on me constantly, spent all his free time looking at porn, and abused me. Finally, he went away to college. My best friend at the time, his girlfriend had just broken up with him when she moved away. He and I were very close, and I loved him as my best friend- nothing more. When I still couldn't build up the courage to beark up with my boyfriend, even though he was hours away, my 'best friend' guilted me into hooking up with him so I could have a 'real' reason to break up with my boyfriend. Well, it worked, but my best friend turned into a monster, and it all started over again. He was head over heels in love with me, and I wasn't with him. He and I sat down and had a long chat about it, and he decided that he was ok with just being friends. We were still very close, and did just about everything together. (Skip ahead a year or two) But, I met a guy at work, and he asked if I wanted to hang out. Robert (my best friend) and I worked together, and so this guy knew us both. The three of us started hanging out, then one night I got a call from the other guy asking if I wanted to hang out. I had told Robert earlier that I was just going to stay in for the night, but since I was invited out, I went to a movie with Larry (the other guy). Halfway into the movie, Robert bursts into the theater and drags me out, demanding to know why I didn't call him and tell him I was going out. We got into a huge fight, and I left. He called the next day, crying and apologizing and saying he wasn't sure what got into him. Well, the kind hearted I am, told him it was fine, but he needed to remember that he wasn't my boyfriend. Things just got worse after that, though. We always fought, he lied to me about everything, demanded to know where I was at all times, when he was lying to me constantly about the same stuff. Like, he was in college, and told me he was in class, but he was at the arcade or at home watched rented pornos. He brought me down, ripped me down, told me I was nothing, no good, ugly... on and on and on. Well, I left California and moved to South Carolina. By this time, I was just fed up with men. There are a lot more incidents with various guys in my life, but none as bad as those two. But, everything I went through left me bitter, closed off, and scared. I hated guys who looked at porn, I hated guys who lied, I hated guys who looked at women like they were meat. I just hated everyone. I got a job, was content, but only had like one friend in the area. Well, he was in love with me, but he was married (though separated, but I wasn't comfortable with that). We became good friends though, and he introduced me to Jay (my fiance). Some of you know that Jay and I have had a lot of problems since we met. Even after we started dating, he was still looking at a lot of porn, talking to girls online about sex, RPing sex in his RPs with girls, lying to me... I caught him, numerous times. He always put his two "best friends" (girls he met through an online test based RPG, the same girls he was RPing sex with, the same girls who wanted him BADLY), and would cancel plans to stay online to talk with them. But, there was just something that kept drawing me to him. One day, he told me that he loved me, and things changed. He stopped looking at porn, cut the sex out of his RPs, but still put these two girls before me. I didn't complain though, because they were supposedly his best friends, and I would never say he had to ditch his friends for me. Well, to date today, we have fought physically, we have screamed and yelled, we've broken up, he kicked me out, he started looking at porn again and tried to date, he started lying to me, he brought me back home, he stopped looking at porn, he didn't date, he stopped lying to me about the important things, and we eventually got back together. Things were still shaky after that, but then he asked me to marry him. I said yes, of course. Through all the s**t we went through, I never stopped loving him. We sat down that night, and had a very serious talk. I asked him if he felt he could be truthful with me. I have a need to know that I'm not being lied to. He said he didn't see the point in lying to me anymore. It's just harder in the end. We talked about the future, and everything. Since then, we've had a few little spats, but nothing serious. He hasn't lied to me, cheating on me, hurt me, any of that. But, for some reason, I just CANNOT fully trust him. I don't know if it's the fact that since he lost his job at Loomis in July of last year, we have done EVERYTHING together. We have hardly been apart because of our circumstances. Now, if we ever are, even for a short while, I find myself worrying what he's doing, where he's going online, who he's looking out wherever he is, what he's talking about. I don't feel like I'm good enough for him, pretty enough for him, sexy enough for him. We are both really stressed out right now, and it doesn't even feel like we're dating, or in love. I hate feeling like this, and I just don't know what to do to make it better. I know that my jealousy and trust issues are a problem. He knows I have them, and knows I'm trying to work on them. But, I mean, he could be upstairs and I'll be in the kitchen, and I'll be thinking about what he's doing. If he takes too long in the shower, it bothers me. It drives me FREAKING INSANE. It's like I can't tell my brain to shut up. I know he loves me, I really do. But with the lull in our relationship, it makes it all seem so much worse. Like I'm scared that he's bored with me, so he's going to be looking elsewhere. And it kills me. I'm so lost. I love him so much, and love that he accepts that I have some issues I am trying to work through. But I fear my worries and trust issues are starting to take their toll on out relationship. I don't want to lose him because of my own insecurities.
Have any of you ever had problems like these? Any advice? And as always, prayers are always welcome that I can get over these issues.
BTW- I love you all. Just wanted you to know. You are all fantastic people, and I'm so glad to have found this place.